Useless (Just) Dave! – Dave Toh – Medium
Haha, the end of 2018 is just around the corner. I’m too scared to peek and find out what’s in store for me in the new year 2019.
Last year, I promised myself this year 2018 I would succeed!
Hell, I promise myself that every single year since my first book
‘Phantasy’ was published! And look where the hell I am now! At least, I still had a proper full-time job in 2017 to pay the monthly recurring bills and household expenses.
But now, I’m not only jobless and penniless, I can’t even find a simple part-time to pay the bills, man! The whole damn year I was working on and off due to health problems. Even though I am taking care of myself by taking my meds regularly now, I still can’t find a job for Christ’s sake!
And how the hell do I pay for my medical bills and pills if I still can’t find me a job?
Singapore isn’t exactly the cheapest country to live in the entire world. On the contrary, it’s fit more for bosses and the filthy rich nowadays! Yup, that’s how much Singapore has changed over the last few decades. Everything here cost money, money and more money! If I could, I would have left this god-forsaken place a long time ago! But I can’t not because I don’t have the money and means to, I can’t because of family; of my aged parents who suffer from the ailments that come with old age just like me and everyone else! I’m the only son and child they have (left) and I can’t just abandon them at a time when they need me the most, especially my father, whom I believe, is now half senile. Or, at least a quarter of it.
And, if no company will hire me, does that mean I have to end up hiring myself?
Actually, the fact remains that I have been toying with that idea for many years now. But, a poor man like me with equally poor parents can’t achieve anything, right?
This is a real headache indeed for me!
And speaking of indeed, I have been using the online job portal Indeed to hunt for jobs a lot recently and have been modifying my Indeed profile now and then to attract more potential employers. However, while the results aren’t negative, they aren’t positive either!
I get calls, emails and texts for job interviews and all that. But the results have been rather pessimistic lately. I can’t carry on like this forever! I’m not getting younger and yet I’m not getting any prosperous either! If I were to compare the current me with the old and younger me from 10 years ago, I feel I’m better off then than I am today! At least I was younger, had more hair on my head and a regular full-time job with more money in my wallet and bank account!
Or, did I?
Nowadays, although I have made some progress with my writing and going in the direction I have always wanted to in my entire life, it’s just NOT enough! I, Just Dave, am not getting the exposure I need!
You people must understand something. My writing is all I have left in this world. I’m starting my life from scratch at the age of 40. 5 years later and even after a fatal heart-attack and the release of my first fantasy novel, I still have nothing! No money, no proper job, no house of my own, no family of my own, no wife or even girlfriend, nothing!
You will understand better how I feel like once you compare me with my peers and people my own age group. Not everyone is successful in life and not everyone gets to do what they want and like in life. Yet, most people my age has achieved something in life!
My “sister” keeps comparing me with her friends and the people she knows.
She’s always asking me why am I so poor and useless when others younger than me are already successful in their lives with their own careers, houses, cars and family, etc, etc.
All I can say is, “Different people, different lives.”
As for myself, I do sometimes compare myself with my own kin and friends. Not always as that will only kill me slowly or make me mad sooner or later!
My own relatives and friends are mostly ordinary folks with their own lives, careers and families. Except for that one cousin from my father’s side of the family who’s a famous singer from Singapore in the early 2000s but now based more in Taiwan and China.
Believe you me when I say it’s harder to succeed if and when you’re a nobody like myself! Sure, I may have friends who are helping me with my writing career. Friends I made after entering the dark and unpredictable realm of authorhood. But they…have their own problems too, trust me. Most of the time, I stand alone and that can be tiring.
Why can’t I have some rich relative to assist and support me in life and my career like my “sis” does! Although she’s still poor like me, at least she’s very well versed in Japanese, can be mistaken for one easily when she speaks, reads and writes in their language and even has her “own shop” somewhere in Japan she’s in-charge of!
I’m still just another motherfucking faceless face in the everyday mundane crowd minding his own motherfucking business and hoping to make it big someday in his own little ways!
Yupz, that’s me, Just Dave, folks!
Just your everyday bored, sick and tired of living guy-next-door who dreams not of striking 4D or ToTo or the lottery like everybody else but living out his simple dream of becoming a world renowned author much like J.K. Rowling!
Except, of course, it’s not as easy as it sounds but the payback is pretty, well, enticing once you’re made! And writing a book, especially a fiction one where you start with absolutely nothing but your imagination and entirely from scratch, isn’t as easy as it sounds.
Sure, you get to create things such as the characters, each as colorful and dull as they are, the main plots, the sub plots, an entire imagined world from empty air and much, much more. But, to start writing, you really need lots of inspiration and not just your imagination. Tons and tons of it! As a matter of fact, the writer is the creator of things big and small, mighty and weak, just like the late Stan Lee who died age 95.
I never really did like heroes with super powers and abilities much but that Stan Lee, he’s sure was a legendary hero himself and one of a kind! Why? Cause even nobodies like myself have heard of him! He’s that great and famous! And his super powers? He has this special ability to bring his own fantasies to life and the capability to capture the attention of billions young and young-at-heart around the world with his superheroes creations!
Haha, looks like I’m digressing again.
While I’m only good at writing and imagining things, in reality, I STILL NEED A JOB!!!
Hopefully, there will be a company kind enough out there to hire me one way or another. Or, at least sponsor me for my writing! I have mouths to feed, bills and expenses to pay every month and there’s my monthly hospital appointments for this and that and they aren’t cheap either!
How the hell can I and my parents survive without me, the sole bread winner, having a job or a steady source of income? It doesn’t take a miracle! All it takes is one of the many companies I applied to responding positively, that’s all!
Or, gasp, even you, yes, YOU, this reader if you have any opportunity out there suitable for an old man like myself!
How hard can that be?
Oh, you have no idea, really no idea…
I do it because I can.