Soylent Green Tablets Turned My Toenails Green – Adam Steininger
A few weeks ago, I ate a delicious dish of boiled boots with my old chap Charlie Chaplin. It was a feast. Recently I’ve mostly been eating soylent green in ridiculously-hard-and-huge tablet form. I ordered them online from a country with borders within the Black Market. It only costs fifty cents for a ten-pound bag.
It’s starting to turn my lips, fingernails, toenails and eyeballs a dull green. Now that I don’t have boots on, people can see my toenails match my fingernails. Mothers have complemented me on my ability to put together an outfit when I wear green and then demand I eat a proper meal at their house when I tell them why I’m color coordinated. It doesn’t always work out to my advantage though. Half the time their proper meal tastes like cold cut up hot dogs and ketchup on a plastic plate from the 80s.
I’ve had no money since the beginning of August when I used the last of my money to buy 2,000 pounds of soylent green. I moved out of my apartment and now I’m living underneath my brother’s bed. Its rent free if I give him a sponge bath every day, do his laundry, make him meals, and not be there when he awakes from a deep slumber.
When I was giving my brother a sponge bath this morning, I caught myself picking the bugs out of my brother’s hair and eating them like a monkey. Protein that’s not a pro but a con. I usually end up going to Target and walk in front of mothers on purpose. They notice how fat I’m not anymore. I don’t have money for gas or insurance, so I find myself walking uphill both ways when I make the trip to Target.
If I don’t get unlucky and get a home cooked meal of cold cut up hot dog and ketchup, I become tempted to steal food. I have to sacrifice a few soylent green tablets for that to happen though. I put the tablets in a full water gun and then spray the security cameras. After about ten minutes the soylent green corrodes the camera until there is zero visibility. If I’m lucky I’ll stick a birthday cake to my chest and belly and walk inconspicuously as possible out the front doors. I’ll then feast upon its goodness as I walk home uphill.
I made toast the old-fashioned way this morning with my brother’s welding torch. I used jelly beans as a spread and I have to say it spreads much better than a cold stick of butter. Someone should invent jelly bean butter. It can be packaged in a ball so it can easily roll to the back of the fridge or onto the floor (it really matters on how level your fridge and racks are). Toast is a boring charcoal flavor when you use a welding torch to toast it. Someone should definitely rock the bread world and give it some jelly bean pizzazz.
I want donuts. Donuts are so stupendously fantastic that they can have their own sentence. Donuts. Donuts. They can have two sentences. Donuts are a tour de force of mountainous glee all in a little O of sugared dough and they are conveniently the size of a hand so it can fit in the hand and then put into the mouth. Eight days a week is not enough to show I care.
The only problem with a Donut is knowing where to start eating it because every millimeter is identical to the last millimeter so it takes only a trained eye to know exactly where to start and they can even be deceived at times. The name is a little wired though. It should be Dough-O’s or Doughrings not Donuts. They aren’t shaped like nuts.
I found a lemon wedged in the cracks of an old beat-up rusty pickup truck. Pickup truck? It certainly isn’t light enough to pick up and take with you, but the lemons were. I think someone was trying to preserve this truck by sticking lemons in the cracks. I stick lemons in my bags of tobacco to keep my lemons from drying out and then I eat them when I’m starving.
This last paragraph is short because I ate my own words, just how my ex-girlfriend told me I should.